This Is Not A Eulogy
Johnny. Bro. This is not a eulogy. You're not gone. You've just been misplaced. Tempoarily lost. One day, years after you're found, we'll look back on this and laugh. This is not a goodbye.
I think about you a lot nowadays man. I have so many memories of you. More than most other people at Kodai 'cause I grew up with you too. I remember playing outside every evening. That destructive phase us guys all went through. How ardently we all tried to screw up my BMX Twister. We gave it away to some a few years ago by the way. It was in tip-top condition.
I remember applying to Kodai together and getting in together and experiencing our first night away from home together. I remember getting through the toughest times of boarding school together. We had our differences. We had our fights. I guess when you know someone too well, you tend to take them for granted a little. I have memories of fights and confrontations also. But, even they, Johnny, even they make me miss you more. It was all part of vibrant, motley package you were. Johnathan Marak.
I remember soccer in the rain. How we used to nickname you the 'One Man Army'. How you sent the defense scattering when you charged in. I remember Swedish House and all our dumbass exploits. I remember that old, abandoned house in the Swedish Compound. And camping out on the basketball court, making baked beans over the watchman's fire.
I remember our band. The one Shaggy called 12:01 because we were supposed to have a name by noon and we didn't so he just looked at the time on his watch and named us that. I remember playing No Woman No Cry with Neeraj on the drums. And practicing Innocent and Hero in the cage with that shitty drumset. I remember us getting banned for the Rock Concert because Kirtan threw the duster at the health teacher.
I remember digging that well for villagers at Bharatnagar. You and Aditi. Hehe. And ninth grade field trip! How Aditi and Mercy had to clean the whole room after we had finished. ; ) And how I rolled out of bed and walked across the balcony to Suchirita's room! I remember the cast party for the 9th and 10th One Act Plays and that crazy night. That night when four of us went down. I remember writing that email to your parents when you got caught smoking at school. I remember writing that email thrice man. You never learnt then. And I blame myself somehow.
I remember that Sunday so fucking clearly it scares me. I remember there was smoke everywhere and roaches on the window sills and weed on the floor. I remember how my heart stopped when the dorm-relief walked in. I remember how I got that feeling. The beginning of the end.
I remember planning to bribe the medical store man. Being called in for questioning by Mrs. Ford. Hating her. Hating the system. I remember, like it was yesterday, Sid shrugging and saying that there was no point praying to God about this. We were in the wrong anyways. We couldn't ask God to change the rules of morality. I remember wanting to punch him for saying that. But knowing, deep inside, that he was right. He was dead-on right.
I remember the day we all said goodbye. I remember that imaginary toast I proposed, my voice cracking. All of us standing outside Lochend. Waiting for your bus. I remember walking you to the bus-stop at 6. Saying our last goodbyes. The promises to keep in touch. You'd be back in May to visit. All that. Seeing you one last time. Walking back to school as you rode on to another life.
I remember how the remaining two and a half years of school just wasn't the same without you. But we got by. You called. Aditi stayed on for a semester and she moved on to Sam. The phone-calls got sparser. We tried emailing. I hadn't heard from you in ages.
And then I remember the day I found out. I had known you had ran away from home. But the day I found out that there was a possibility you were dead, I remember how crushed I felt. How helpless. I remember staying awake till two in the night, wondeing if somewhere out there, you were alive or not. I couldn't bear the thought of you dying alone somewhere, under some bridge, with no hope in sight. I couldn't bear the thought of you dead. I still can't. I can't bring myself to think of it in that way. I hope you didn't do it man. I hope you're just bloody good at hiding. You always were when we were kids. You were always the last one to be found at hide and seek. I hope you didn't do it. You have so much to live for. We were supposed to start a band together. Make music. Laugh. Cry. Live.
I still hope bro. I swear, I always will. Until you're found. Alive or otherwise. I always will.
But Johnny. This is not a eulogy. This is not goodbye.
[ If anyone has any information about a Johnathan Marak who has been missing for seven months, please contact the author at pukstar@gmail.com ]
